Even more anecdotes!

1.
House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.
2.
if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
3.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
4.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
5.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
6.
Anything you say will be held against you. ... "tits"
7.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
8.
once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary, over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'. While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour, " 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, "give me back my free hardcore!"..... quoth the server, 404.
9.
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
10.
Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
11.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
12.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move.
13.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
14.
War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography. -- Ambrose Bierce
15.
I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
16.
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush
17.
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.
18.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
19.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
20.
Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!

Witty anecdotes

1.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
2.
The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
3.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4.
House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.
5.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
6.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
7.
It's your god. They're your rules. *You* go to hell.
8.
I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness
9.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
10.
My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?
11.
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
12.
Actual Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
13.
If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
14.
if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
15.
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
16.
The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
17.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
18.
You can't be late until you show up.
19.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway
20.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.