Mellifluousness is abrasive to my ears

Im paranoid, sadistic, sarcastic, crass, difficult,hard headed,cold hearted,stubborn, hypocritical and cruel(stellar traits are they not?). I am everything you're not. And YOU would be the very definition of a normal person, a normal, successfull 21 year old law student with a ton of admirers,a steady boyfriend who simply dotes on her,who makes a flying leap into the Dean's List every year with the cherry on top being her proud,smiling,happy parents and who has life rooting for her in every other way ...unlike the subjective ME that's stuck in an equally subjective rut that i can't seem to worm myself out of. I'm stuck in a petri dish full of slashed hopes and realistic fears.




I want to be found. I want to live. I want to experience joy and find the meaning of life before i die. I dont want my life to be a worthless piece of randomosity. I want it to be a flowing tapestry with underground hints,scents and notes of mystery and allure and depth. I dont want to be a shallow cockle shell or a mandrake root with no end in sight. I want to wish upon stars and feel them rain down on me. Unrealistic much?

Time after Time

Im feeling awfully like I'm wasting my time. I hate it when this happens. I should be doing something productive! A part of me says I deserve this Me Time...I've been so busy with work but another part of me says I should be doing house chores, helping mom and talking to my old man because I rarely have time to talk to him on weekdays. Urrgh! I wish i wasn't so Type A. I wish I could afford to be more laid back and carefree without thinking about other people all the time.

One thing I've known since I was a child was that while i can be empathetic, emotional and self apologizing even when not necessary, I've also had a stubborn side to me that was firm, set and as immovable as Himalayas when the time came to be. That side of me dictated that I do not submit to grovelling no matter how high the bribe, stakes or greener pastures offered were. People say there is always a price at which you can buy over a person but I beg to differ. Even if you threw a stack of all the world's money at me with promise of more to come, if I feel that my dignity or pride is at stake I won't catch a whiff of a note. No Sireee...

But then again I do have a price in the sense that you can buy me over with sincerity. If you are sincere and honest in your demands, I might just make an exception to it as long as I am treated like an equal, the relationship is two way
(of give and take) and I am given the respect I deserve. Many people fail to see that I can be easily bought over like this and when they expect me to grovel in return for the glamourous once in a life time(so called) opportunities, I get pissed and hard headed as a mule, stick to my guns and never ever acquiesce to their high handed demands of servitude.

We're not so different after all- a mind riveting interview of Peter Sanders, Famous British Convert to Islam

As a young Muslim living in this modern world filled with hate,distrust,suspicion and misunderstanding for Islam, I have always been excruciatingly hassled by questions like "If you are a non Muslim-although it does not make sense to the essence of Islam-regardless of your deeds(good or bad)does it mean you will end up in hell?" Something was wrong.

Then the other question that hassled me was "Will I never be a good enough muslim if because of the way I was brought up, could not pray complete all the religious duties specified in Islam like praying 5 times a day and wearing the Hijab?" The second question haunted me like a nightmare and made me feel as if no matter how good I was in terms of deeds, no matter how kind I was to people according to the hadith of the Holy Prophet or the Quran, if I faltered and fell short of flawlessly observing prayers or wearing the Hijab, I would never be a true muslim in the eyes of God. I love Islam and believe in God but sometimes questions like these that conflict with the very essence of Islam tear at my heart and soul constantly.

It is due to the inefficiency of jurists, the general consensus and lack of knowledge and intellectual think tanks that ordinary muslims like me who try very hard to implement Islam into our daily lives are discouraged...being made to think we'll always be stuck as 2nd class Muslims. Because they made us believe outward appearances were more important, dogma ran rampant and overly critical hypocrites expounded the belief that there is only one category of Muslims-a very narrow one.

Whoever fell outside of that ambit was disqualified. It is indeed the root cause of consternation and confusion when the very people who are supposed to uphold Islam do not understand how to interpret and apply those rules in a reasonable manner into daily life.Having said that of course I'm not trying to justify my lack of diligent religious observation. On the contrary I'm just trying to give myself breathing space and improve without being condemned through absolutes, what Islam ordains that our forgiving God would do...

The following an interview of the world famous Muslim photographer Peter Sanders(a British man who converted to Islam at the age of 24.Before that he used to photograph the great rock stars of the 1970s)is like heaven sent balm to my troubled heart and makes me belief that there is more than one way to be a good Muslim,co-existing in Peace and Respect with non-Muslims...

Q: DO YOU COME ACROSS A LOT OF INSTANCES WHERE CULTURE SKEWS RELIGIOUS INTERPRETATION?

A: That's been one of the biggest problems in England. People have totally mixed up culture with religion that even they don't know what Islam is. We have people that think you have to be Pakistani to be Muslim. They said that to my daughters at school. "You can't be Muslim, you're not Pakistani."

I'm not talking about a certain sector, and it is in these sectors where you've got all the kids that are so confused.

You have people who justify stealing from the government; they will lie to get welfare benefits, and say," Well, they're not Muslim so I can do it.

I read an amazing article, written by a friend called " Who is the unbeliever?" and he started the article with: "I know many Muslims who behave and do things totally against Islam and I know many non Muslims who act like Muslims."

His take on the belief that non-Muslims will go to Hell:

He observed that the word "kafirun"(non believer) is bandied around and the belief is that non Muslims go straight to Hell. He says some scholars say that's not true; YOU HAVE TO BE PRESENTED WITH ISLAM PROPERLY. THEY HAVE TO HAVE A REALLY SERIOUS EXPLANATION AND UNDERSTANDING ABOUT WHAT TRUE ISLAM IS,WHAT PROPHET MUHAMMAD WAS LIKE.IF THEN THEY REJECT IT, IT'S UP TO ALLAH.'

BUT IF THEY MET A MUSLIM AND THAT MUSLIM DID SOMETHING TERRIBLE LIKE CHEATED OR STOLE FROM THEM,HOW WOULD YOU SAY THAT THEY ARE GOING TO THE FIRE BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T ACCEPT ISLAM?

On why he retained his British name even though he converted to Islam:

When i became a Muslim I was given another name( Abdul Adheem). And I kind of used it and was proud of it. THIS IS FINE IF YOU LIVE WITH MUSLIMS;BUT ONCE YOU GO OUT INTO THE WORLD,USING THOSE NAMES CAN BE VERY OFF PUTTING TO PEOPLE BECAUSE IT PUTS A BARRIER BETWEEN YOU AND THEM.

On the belief that external appearances or proof that you are Muslim dictate whether you will go to Heaven or Hell:

Muslims now are very obsessed with EXTERIOR THINGS. THAT'S WHY AS MUCH AS I REALLY RESPECT THE HIJAB AND WOULD LIKE TO SEE PEOPLE IN IT, I GET WORRIED IT WILL BE THAT,IF YOU WEAR A HIJAB OR HAVE A BEARD, YOU'RE DEFINITELY A MUSLIM.

It can't be just that, it has to be something on the INSIDE. It's about the INWARD CHANGING. If it's the outward it's easy because someone could just dress up and that makes them a Muslim? NO! It's the inward transformation.

There is a tendency now with Muslims to push ISLAM DOWN PEOPLE'S THROATS. BUT YOU CAN'T FORCE PEOPLE TO BECOME MUSLIMS. PEOPLE BECOME MUSLIMS BECAUSE YOU'RE INCREDIBLY GENEROUS AND KIND AND COMPASSIONATE AND LOVING AND THEY GET DRAWN INTO IT BECAUSE OF THIS.

His take on what constitutes a person who has Iman(faith) and is a Muslim:

Why wasn't I a Muslim before? It gets defined when you become a Muslim. I had iman(faith) BEFORE I HAD ISLAM. People think that YOU GET ISLAM AND THEN YOU GET IMAN. But I think Westerners have Iman. They just haven't found Islam.

Q: ISLAM IS NOT ALWAYS PORTRAYED IN A POSITIVE LIGHT. IS THIS BECAUSE SOME MUSLIMS ARE NOT DOING A GOOD PR(PUBLIC RELATIONS)JOB?

A:Yes. You can't say " Islam means Peace and then go out and bomb the hell out of people. You can't say we're religious, pray 5 times a day and fast all Ramadan; and then try to cheat the Government and be horrible to everyone else who is not Muslim.

-End-