Of piranhas and pirouttes

So here i sit, staring blankly at the screen...


What have I been up to after the whirl of crazy law exams? Well for starters, Ive been teaching little kids English at a tuition centre and I rate it as the best job ive had so far, in terms of job satisfaction. Sure I had to chafe and grate and squeeze my vocal chords to make my intentions heard amongst a classful of little piranhas with cute faces all clamouring for attention around the live bait that was me, but I guess Im just a huge mushbucket waiting to be let out of the closet when it comes to kids and their wide eyed gullibility.

Amidst being set up as the designated station for glitter application central for their parent appreciation cards( Mommy Daddy I love you for all you've done for me)and simultaneously having to deal with glitter stuck on my ass and kids trying to eat them, I reached a few epiphanic milestones:

1) I will set up a shrine for my former school teachers in devout reverence of the

shit they had to put up with while trying to shove knowledge down our screaming

throats.

2) I will always gape in admiration at a family of more than 3 kids, all well

behaved. Either the parents use non conventional methods of disciplining the youth

or they really are super star parents who've mastered the art of child management

(who can say they've really learnt) through experience.

3) I am definitely not ready to have kids for the next 10 years or until Ive

outgrown my own 6 year old kid in me( though i suspect he's a non ager). But then

again this 6 year old alter ego is what helps me connect with my students.

Speaking of paradoxes...

4) Its more challenging to teach kids but that I prefer teaching a class full of

rowdy kids to a one on one session with some awkward young adult who's a year or

two my junior. That very same awkward young adult would also be even more awkward because he won't know whether addressing me as Miss would be too formal for someone who's just a year his senior and also if addressing me on a first name basis might be a bit rude. So the result is that the AYA( awkward young adult) ends up "aheming" to get my attention whenever he needs to say anything or when he needs me to check his work.

5) That it takes real mad skills to manage a class full of rowdy, robust, hyperactive

12 year old kids and so far ive met only one person whom i admire for being able

to do that without raising her voice and that is Miss Nanee, the tuition centre's

owner and principal. Where I had to yell to bring what im saying to their

attention, Miss Nanee with 10 years experience under her belt manages to stride

in, get their attention through her cheerful but firm demeanour and gasp(!)

actually get them excited about learning!

6) That it's a fresh experience and would add that to the list of experiences that

make me feel law school is bad but not THAT bad.

Spiffifying Quotes!

Of serious thoughts: religion & life

As always im still stumped about my religion. I believe in it. I know He is always there, an Omniscient presence watching over my family and I. Yet I feel like He is something beautiful I see in the corner of my eye and once I turn to look at it, it disappears immediately. I wish I could find a way to make that reality stay. Im really confused. Morality and religion. What makes one a good Muslim? What is even the definition of a muslim? How do you determine whether God thinks you are a Muslim or not? I believe in Islam and I think it is the religion for mankind but some things still stump me and I feel like I’m running around in circles chasing my own tail. Inside an endless mazelike labyrinth of possibilities and hopes. I am lost.

I still think Islam in today’s context has been misinterpreted. I think the jurists nowadays suck big time and the sly demons; misguided Orientalists of the West have reduced Islam to an arcane, mythical religion founded on the roots of barbarism. I think Islam nowadays, the Islam that MOST Muslims see and practice has fragments of the original religion mixed with the tainted aspects of the West’s meddling in it. Who knows maybe the stuff we take to heart have been misinterpreted and manipulated by those cunning enemies of real Islam.

Sometimes I think of the Planet of the Apes. How all the apes tried so hard to suppress the human beings because they knew that humans were the real masters of the world and they feared them. Because they knew the truth, that they were inferior once and humans ruled- the truth is hard to accept. Maybe Islam is like that too. Wait correction, I KNOW ISLAM is like that. It isn’t about old men in beards and moustaches reciting verses from the Quran they barely even understand. It is not about those who follow the ritualistic aspects of Islam being superior to the ones who actually might have the brains to begin to grasp what real Islam might be about. True rituals are important but I think the whole concept has been turned upside down and instead of focusing on the essence of Aqidah, they are focusing on the physical, ritualistic aspect which is important too but rather ineffective without belief. And humans are not robots. They are creatures of reason and emotion and I think the truth is that Muslims nowadays do not know how to appeal to those fundamental aspects of the human soul anymore. It has become rank and stale like a beautiful room gone to waste; that has not been aired or maintained properly. If Islam were a house, the Prophet would weep to see the state Islam is in today. I don’t think there exists any scholar today who can properly portray what Islam is all about…To revolutionize the entire way of Islamic thinking. It reminds me of Atlantis the animated movie where Atlantis was once a great advanced nation with impressive technology but its later generations no longer knew how to make use of the massive amount of resources left to them.

I hate it when I’m forced to believe things as they are just because they’ve always been that way. I need proof to support my belief. I don’t just believe in a religion just because I was born into it. I know I haven’t done enough research to even begin to understand the wealth of my religion. But I know for a fact, with the faculties of thinking vested in me, that Islam is undoubtedly the way of life our Creator has intended for us. Because it is in line with our very intrinsic nature. It is not harmful to life and us. In fact it is pervasive, like a deep, deep underground river, always present but out of sight and flowing powerfully. It doesn’t go against the rocks, it shapes them and forms the awe inspiring landscapes we see around us. Nothing happens without reason or purpose.

For example, the many aspects of Islam that are so beautiful and perfectly moulded for humanity and the sanctity of the thing we call our soul, are often sidetracked and swept under the rug in favour of annoying debates over topics that should not even be an issue in the first place-whether a girl who doesn’t wear a headscarf would go to hell or not. Whether all non Muslims would end up in hell because they do not profess and verbally express the Shahadah. In the first place who are the Muslims nowadays to determine whether the so called non Muslims would go to hell? What makes YOU think you are in a perfect state of Muslim-hood to judge other people who might not have been fortunate enough to be born into truth. If that is the case, if non Muslims were all to end up in hell regardless of their deeds, just because they did not verbally express the Shahadah and live a strictly “Muslim” lifestyle, then why should us so called Muslims not be equally responsible for propagating the truth to the these people? If we fail in our duty to represent the truth in a good image, as what it is, how then can we blame the non-believers from believing? So my reasoning is this, if we ourselves cannot portray the image of Islam properly- as what it is, as a mercy to mankind- how can we call ourselves “Muslims”? So you see in my opinion, the definition of who is or is not a Muslim should be left entirely to God. In the meantime, you try to abide by the rules and apply it to your life as best as you can and hope that God is actually more merciful than those white beards make Him out to be. That’s all I can say for now.

There are countless “non-Muslims” who have contributed way more to humanity than a ragged mat rempit “Muslim” wastrel ever is capable of doing. All those scientists dedicated to finding cures for incurable diseases and the Christian doctors risking their lives in war torn Palestine to save the victims of Israel’s cruel massacre-what of them? The very fact that they are able to compete on a fair ground with “Muslims”…does it not show that God is just and fair? That He has a masterplan for every individual. And it is up to us to use our brains to see the Truth that’s been lying smack between our eyes all along.

The Greatest Play on Earth

Pull back the curtains

The stage is set

Hearts aflame, passions conflagrant

We're all unwilling players

Like pawns and kings and queens in a bloody

game of minds

Straws pulled in a preamble

to the greatest play on earth: Life itself

You're either a hero, the villain or the dead

You'll be lucky if you survive with your head

Surely love lost and gone

And starcrossed lovers spangled across

History's fabric would swear

That throbbing pulse on your sleeve it'd tear

Time and time again the same ghostly acts play out

With different actors and props

It fools you into thinking they're different

When underneath all the musk of sophistication and newness

It is dank and rank and mundane

Love is for some people, not so for others

Look at it from outside the blown glass pavillion

A mimicry of utopia played out in a pantomime

The jester who thinks mockery is flirtation

I belong to no one and yet yearn to find

that nook id call my own

This is what it feels like to be 21!

So yeah Ive just crossed over to the other side...as in the other side of the big "O". I dont feel all that different except for:

a) The warm, fuzzy, cocooney feelings i got when my besties called me up to wish me a great bday.

b) Smses along the lines of "Have fun you old hag"( I would have sulked a bit any other day but today i had such a come-what-may-attitude and was utterly thrilled).

c) My lovely family wished me Happy bday in a very erm...unique way and got smothered with hugs and kisses( somewhat disgruntled ones from Leo who saw hugging as an anti-macho act-he's going through the Superhero Macho phase).

d) I'm supposed to be getting whatever I want tomorrow...dad's pocket is suddenly generous( teeheeee :P)...with some usual only-dad-could-be-capable-of-having-such-conditions sort of conditions. Anyways im not complaining; I must say i like the extra attention. Oh why oh why can't i not get Johnny Depp or Kim Rossi Stuart or Steven Strait mailed to me by Fedex?? Anyone?? PLEASE!!!But then again dad would probably go Kim Rossi who and break their necks sigh.

e) The fact that ive planned a small celebration with my besties( well date pending but im sure it will happen before July).

f) I finally get to bust my ligaments going oh so fundabulous rock climbing(hyperventilates with excitement) and i cannot wait to( with the dawning of the big two oh one) try other recklessly adrenaline pumping stuff like bungee jumping, sky diving( where in Malaysia hmmm?)and actually joining The Amazing Race( Ok that was inspired by a wacky friend).

g) That today seems revolutionary enough(expiry time: after 24 hours mind you)that i actually believe ill end up in a nice,picturesque,artistic little house in Paris or Scandinavia with all of nature's beauty to curb my killing urges(kidding!)with a beautiful family and my soulmate(I'm allowed to be as corny and dreamy as possible on my birthday!) :)

Ps- It seems proper that I should get myself something from Forever 21 right since I am,old hag jokes aside,actually turning 21. Heheh*rubs hands in glee*

Mellifluousness is abrasive to my ears

Im paranoid, sadistic, sarcastic, crass, difficult,hard headed,cold hearted,stubborn, hypocritical and cruel(stellar traits are they not?). I am everything you're not. And YOU would be the very definition of a normal person, a normal, successfull 21 year old law student with a ton of admirers,a steady boyfriend who simply dotes on her,who makes a flying leap into the Dean's List every year with the cherry on top being her proud,smiling,happy parents and who has life rooting for her in every other way ...unlike the subjective ME that's stuck in an equally subjective rut that i can't seem to worm myself out of. I'm stuck in a petri dish full of slashed hopes and realistic fears.




I want to be found. I want to live. I want to experience joy and find the meaning of life before i die. I dont want my life to be a worthless piece of randomosity. I want it to be a flowing tapestry with underground hints,scents and notes of mystery and allure and depth. I dont want to be a shallow cockle shell or a mandrake root with no end in sight. I want to wish upon stars and feel them rain down on me. Unrealistic much?

Greener pastures or the green eyed monster?

I guess it is rather flattering to be envied. I guess im sometimes too idealistic in the sense that i think vices like jealousy and envy are abstract feelings that exist in the war of good and evil in fables and fairytales but woe betide me i've just come to the realization that this isn't true. It's been repeatedly splashing and clawing at my face...so many little nuances and examples that build up to make this giant, perfect tapestry screaming green monster green monster at me. But repeatedly i've denied it and refused to learn the skills expounded and spawned by Darwin's stupundoficious theory ostentatiously named " the survival of the fittest theory". What a load of bullshit. I mean its like saying "Hey we're animals. We need to honour our basest instincts. For our material survival without which our existence would be meaningless, it is justified to use every tool whether ethical or unethical, humane or inhumane, moral or immoral, good or bad as a means to an end."

So out goes values like humility,modesty and acceptance of one's own weaknesses and in comes(rudely shoving in, stepping on collective humanity's soul)aggressive, testosterone charged values like confidence and arrogance with no strings attached. Where things like bashing other people's self image to up yours a notch is seen as a norm and even encouraged and those who protest seen as weaklings, weirdos, misfits because they do not agree with the prevailing status quo of humanity's messed up psyche.

Maybe Im too idealistic. Maybe im too sensitive according to most people's standards but if being aware of things-like being receptive to others' feelings,dignity,humility,modesty and hurting when "good friends" stab you in the back because of the green eyed monster that you had no active hand in creating,is seen as a by product of over sensitive paranoia, then i do not want to belong to such a society. Because these values are what makes us different from the dog taking a crap on the roadside. Because these values are what makes us different from the cigar puffing, unscruplous conman waiting for his next hapless victim. Because these values are what makes us different from the diva in a room full of white lilies yelling orders to have every inch of the room revamped with red roses just because...

I'm not saying im perfect or that ive been free from jealousy or envy but at least i accept that its not right to leave it festering unchecked in one's mind. And i nip it in the bud. So far ive been able to do that. Because i think " Hey whatever that he/she excels in way better than me is his/her God given right and talent. So instead of despising it we should admire it because it is a manifestation of the Creator's omnipotency rather than hating it and regarding it as a magnification of one's own inadequacy in that aspect". I know there are times when i falter and its difficult to keep abreast of the jealousy but how could i ignore something that is so fundamental and true???

And remember what happened to Julius Caesar? He got too powerful(according to his peers) so he was killed and they hid behind a sly shroud of having done a service to Roman society by ridding it of a soon to be tyrant(which wasn't even proved). I think that if more people were aware of their station in life and held on to it firmly no matter how much more another person shines than them, they wouldn't feel so intimidated,inadequate(and therefore feel a need to put down that person) or scared because you know that you already have a very important and unique part to play in the fabric of time and the universe, just like every star that makes up the evening sky.


I LOVE THESE QUOTES:

Never waste jealousy on a real man: it is the imaginary man that supplants us all in the long run. ~George Bernard Shaw


Envy is the art of counting the other fellow's blessings instead of your own. ~Harold Coffin


Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point - that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative - self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it's a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. ~Jennifer James


If envy were a fever, all the world would be ill. ~Danish Proverb


Envy slays itself by its own arrows. ~Author Unknown

Ginger smeared city life

This world is twisted.
Filth,scum,black scum squeamishly
squelching out of its heaving pores
gasping for breath it never seems to get enough
of oh city life, urban times
night life flashes neon and dry blinding ur eyes
tall skyscrapers never fail to mesmerize
stress in thick cups of coffee strewn over the garbage bin
filled to the brim with its kindred
newspapers deplore injustice, condemns the wrong
when just next door past repeats itself
another homeless person, innocent of sins
kicked out on the porch by cigar wielding demon in smart suit,
moustache bristling... yelling " Vermin, filth!"
absently wiping his big brass knuckled Gucci shoes on the carpet,
soot and flour never mixed and so did class.

Stereotypes and the Stereotyper

I finally have seen stereotyping gone wrong with my own eyes. I mean i know everyone is a hypocrite in that sense because every one says as if by rote" Stereotyping is wrong" and then in the next sentence goes on to say something that complete deflates the effect of that sentence like " All debaters are pompous asses".

People have told me repeatedly that debaters are arrogant assholes with a little bit more knowledge in their over inflated heads than others and think that that gives them a right to think they're better than everyone else. I beg to differ. I went to this debate league because i was invited by a dear friend of mine( who does not in my opinion fall within the crude definition provided by the ignorant masses)to attend.

I got the shock of my life in a pleasant,boisterous, lively way. Everyone there was so warm, friendly and encouraging. And what some people get intimidated by, i do get intimidated too but i can draw the line between the alter debate personalities and their real life personalities. These people are just like us...who like to debate. Not debaters who might or might not be like us.

I found that they were more human and supportive than the ones that condemned them, more humble even. I made so many new friends. The seniors were so supportive and encouraging of me when i was all nerves and jitters. And i would soon become used to jovial cheers and claps whenever i got a point across. The sense of camaraderie is so fulfilling. I felt like i might actually belong here because the people here were like me.Im not trying to spread pro debater propaganda. What im trying to say pervades the larger picture. That we really shouldn't stereotype people unless we've had a first hand experience with them ourselves and even then if it's just one individual that acts like the whole world is a cushion for his ass, then we shouldn't(tempting as it may be) automatically assume that the whole crop is bad. Unless the majority of that group prove themselves to be assholes and are driven by the wrong ideals of course.

But debaters they're just trained to think on their feet and to argue, logically, not maliciously. I really think the essence of debate itself should be clearly seen as separate from debaters no matter what kind of people might become debaters. I like the essence of debate which is that it allows for a healthy exchange of information in a controlled setting. It helps us develop our analytical, cognitive faculties. It helps you organize, absorb and process information in a way that is structured and rational. So that people get what you're saying in a clear way. And when you get your points across well you are rewarded for it. I find nothing wrong in this. In fact its what most people need but fail to see.