shabby blog

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Lovely words of wisdom for the hopeless and decaying

I don't know who it's by but it does a hell lot of good for you when you're lost beyond hope and the impending doom oF exams looms over you:

"If you think you are beaten you are.
If you think you dare not,you don't.
If you'd like to win but you think you can't
It's almost certain you won't.

If you think you'll lose,you're lost.
For out in the world we find,
Success begins with a fellow's will.

If you think you're outclassed, you are.
You've got to think high to rise.
You've got to be sure of yourself
Before you can ever win a prize.

It's ALL in the STATE OF MIND."

Second year second sem of Law School has been the toughest for me yet. I've been getting crappy results from tests and it's not because I've been lazy. True i have been flitting around with friends and hanging out with them a bit more than usual but in the usual circumstances i would have juggled both well and scored good enough, even excellent grades! But this sem has seen me going frantic and floundering like a mannequin from Topsy Turvy Land. I've failed three subjects for the 1st tests, got barred from my Tilawah exam because i ddnt attend any of the oh so boring(yawn)classes( but that's not really a problem because everyone gets barred for tilawah at least once).

The only subject i did well for was Public International Law and that was because it was the only subject i actually liked and didn't fall asleep reading the large tomes of materials on it. Criminal is truly a killer. Not only am i with the most fearsome,awe-inspiring and excellent lecturer ever but there's also tremendous pressure on me(by myself and her) to score because i did well for my first criminal which i took with her husband-also a criminal law lecturer(they're like two peas in a pod-neat,particular,precise and almost clinical with professionalism when giving lectures and tutorials!).

I really really HOPE and PRAY that i do not have to repeat any of these subjects that have "FAIL" stamped all over them because i've NEVER had to repeat a subject in my life and repeating a subject, no matter how hard it was for everyone, would be the ultimate embarrassment for me. Wish me luck! Xoxoxo

-Su(bubbles slowly cease as she drowns in that mire of exams)

Monday, March 30, 2009

Your Hair Should Be Red

You are a passionate person... both in love and in life.

You have many causes that are important to you. You can be very intense.

You are very fiery. You speak up, and you don't mince words.

You also have a very flamboyant personality. You love to show off.

You are both eccentric and expressive. You like to share your unique point of view.

You can become quite impassioned. So impassioned that you can seem a little overbearing

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain.

People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

You Are Fast Forward

Compared to most people, you are impatient and antsy.

You are action oriented and love adventure. You don't care much for downtime.

You like the skip the boring stuff and get to the good stuff. You don't like interruptions.

You can't stand anything slow. You live your life in fast lane and expect others to do the same.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Mosaic of fancies

That FOUR letter word...and its not F***

Fear...its what everyone has but is too afraid to admit to others. Fear is all around us yet we are hard pressed to deny its existence and power. So i think i would be right if i said the greatest thing we have to fear is fear itself. Why? Because even though its only a feeling its the nastiest of the lot( of unpleasant feelings like loneliness,guilt,anger)the effect of facing fear is like having a titan squish you between his fingers and squeeze you until your eyes start dilating, you feel asphyxiated, nauseous, sick to the stomach and of course compressed in all aspects. But the fact is that most people often mistake adrenalin for fear.

Fear causes a release of adrenalin but the problem starts once you do not understand how your body reacts to it and when blasted with the side effects of adrenaline coursing through your body( sweaty palms, constricted breathing etc etc) you start thinking something is wrong with you that surely something must be wrong for your body to be reacting like this.

This is when the vicious cycle starts...fear begets adrenaline. Adrenaline begets fear and it spirals up and up till you get a panic attack or a nervous breakdown. I'm one of fear's easy targets because im a very emotive person.I am not desensitized to every little thing around me like some stoic people i know. These people take things as they come and breeze through it like coconut husk that weathers through a huge tidal wave.

Im like the unfortunate pebble that sinks plunk to the bottom everytime a tidal wave sweeps me out of my little comfort zone of a tidal pool. Before i gathered enough knowledge on my familiar enemy fear, i used to be paralyzed by electric waves of fear rippling through my body. It used to render me unable to react appropriately to the challenges at hand usually in the form of necessary travesties like exams, public speaking, unavoidable confrontations and those little irritating things that build up to make one giant of blob of fear all squelchy and imposing.

I really love the saying by Geoff Thompson “ No one feeling can last forever. Remember this when you endeavour to conquer fear and when depression creeps, in your mind this knowledge you should always keep.” I guess despite fear’s crippling effect on me(im sure more so than the rest of the fortunate, sane,normal human race with the exception of the entirely weird,sado-masochistic,borderline disorder category consisting of the likes of Hitler) I keep going and going. Im glad that once fear takes over my body goes on autopilot to a certain extent in the sense that it's like a disembodied person. The physical part of me does what it has to do whilst my mind continues to swirl in the whirlpool of that four letter word. And its not fuck. I guess blogging is an outlet to vent all my unused adrenaline and excess energies that worsens the effects of fear that I experience on a day to day basis.

And I do not think accepting the presence and power of fear is a weakness. Rather it is liberating in knowing that you know your enemy(which is within yourself) and can take steps to soften and avoid its usual crassness.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.

You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.

You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.

Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well.

At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn.

Your Fixation: Envy

Your Primary Fear: To have no identity

Your Primary Desire: To find yourself

Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Ginger smeared city life

This world is twisted.
Filth,scum,black scum squeamishly
squelching out of its heaving pores
gasping for breath it never seems to get enough
of oh city life, urban times
night life flashes neon and dry blinding ur eyes
tall skyscrapers never fail to mesmerize
stress in thick cups of coffee strewn over the garbage bin
filled to the brim with its kindred
newspapers deplore injustice, condemns the wrong
when just next door past repeats itself
another homeless person, innocent of sins
kicked out on the porch by cigar wielding demon in smart suit,
moustache bristling... yelling " Vermin, filth!"
absently wiping his big brass knuckled Gucci shoes on the carpet,
soot and flour never mixed and so did class.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009