shabby blog

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

That FOUR letter word...and its not F***

Fear...its what everyone has but is too afraid to admit to others. Fear is all around us yet we are hard pressed to deny its existence and power. So i think i would be right if i said the greatest thing we have to fear is fear itself. Why? Because even though its only a feeling its the nastiest of the lot( of unpleasant feelings like loneliness,guilt,anger)the effect of facing fear is like having a titan squish you between his fingers and squeeze you until your eyes start dilating, you feel asphyxiated, nauseous, sick to the stomach and of course compressed in all aspects. But the fact is that most people often mistake adrenalin for fear.

Fear causes a release of adrenalin but the problem starts once you do not understand how your body reacts to it and when blasted with the side effects of adrenaline coursing through your body( sweaty palms, constricted breathing etc etc) you start thinking something is wrong with you that surely something must be wrong for your body to be reacting like this.

This is when the vicious cycle starts...fear begets adrenaline. Adrenaline begets fear and it spirals up and up till you get a panic attack or a nervous breakdown. I'm one of fear's easy targets because im a very emotive person.I am not desensitized to every little thing around me like some stoic people i know. These people take things as they come and breeze through it like coconut husk that weathers through a huge tidal wave.

Im like the unfortunate pebble that sinks plunk to the bottom everytime a tidal wave sweeps me out of my little comfort zone of a tidal pool. Before i gathered enough knowledge on my familiar enemy fear, i used to be paralyzed by electric waves of fear rippling through my body. It used to render me unable to react appropriately to the challenges at hand usually in the form of necessary travesties like exams, public speaking, unavoidable confrontations and those little irritating things that build up to make one giant of blob of fear all squelchy and imposing.

I really love the saying by Geoff Thompson “ No one feeling can last forever. Remember this when you endeavour to conquer fear and when depression creeps, in your mind this knowledge you should always keep.” I guess despite fear’s crippling effect on me(im sure more so than the rest of the fortunate, sane,normal human race with the exception of the entirely weird,sado-masochistic,borderline disorder category consisting of the likes of Hitler) I keep going and going. Im glad that once fear takes over my body goes on autopilot to a certain extent in the sense that it's like a disembodied person. The physical part of me does what it has to do whilst my mind continues to swirl in the whirlpool of that four letter word. And its not fuck. I guess blogging is an outlet to vent all my unused adrenaline and excess energies that worsens the effects of fear that I experience on a day to day basis.

And I do not think accepting the presence and power of fear is a weakness. Rather it is liberating in knowing that you know your enemy(which is within yourself) and can take steps to soften and avoid its usual crassness.

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