Witty anecdotes

1.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
2.
The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
3.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4.
House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.
5.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
6.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
7.
It's your god. They're your rules. *You* go to hell.
8.
I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness
9.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
10.
My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?
11.
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
12.
Actual Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
13.
If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
14.
if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
15.
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
16.
The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
17.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
18.
You can't be late until you show up.
19.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway
20.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.